The Smile Sense

It was when rearranging JK's much cherished documents cupboard, I discovered my autograph books (dated 1998, 2000, 2004). I never knew that I had brought all these to Qatar and that JK had gifted it with a cute velvet pouch!

Night is still young, confirming my decision for a time-travel. I flipped through the pages, smiled, laughed, cried, crooned, and brooded. By the time I finished, nostalgia gripped me with its firm tentacles and threw me deep into the memories.

I emerged, refreshed, happy and smiling. Smiling! Reminds me of the keyword highly penned down in my books. 'Girl with a smiling face', 'smiling girl', 'smiling friend', 'smile like this forever', 'may this smile be with you always', 'keep smiling, 'love to see you smiling'??!?!?!!!

One of them even wrote – "Once I saw you crying, but even when you were crying you were smiling!"(??!!) What? Do I smile that much?

I keep getting this compliment even now, leaving me wondering what makes me smile. It is not a deliberate attempt, as far as I know.

Unknowingly, I give it a smile finish.

"You don’t have anything to worry about, and that is what keeps you happy", once commented a classmate of mine. No worries??? For me???? I have gone through such phases in life which left me wondering what keeps me alive. There were times I was lying pathetic with the hard-effects of depression. There were times I wish sailing away to some unknown shore. There were times I wished that someone take me to the Bermuda Triangle!!!!

Just like the Bermuda, the reason behind my smile is still a mystery to me.

The Smell Sense

Walking down the aisle at the hypermarket, I was suddenly thrown into my KG class – the St Paul's School in Coimbatore. I can hear the school assembly, I can hear 'Aunty Miss' shouting at the kids, I can see girls in navy pinafore strutting the verandah, and yeah I can smell 'Mallipoo' aka Jasmine!

The mind has a strange tendency to attach smell to certain occasions in my life.

Smell of 'One Man Show' reminds me of Bawa, 'Amritanjan' reminds me of mummy, smell of spices and tea in the evening time reminds me of Ramadan days in Kochi, gram flour reminds of sissy, medicinal spirit reminds me of Kumaran Hospital in Coimbatore, and vicks lozenge reminds of bro! Every smell comes with a story. May be it is because that is the occasion I first smelled the fragrance.

What irks me is the tag my smell sense has attached with JK – the smell of stale Jackfruit!  

What's in a name?

 

"You better change my name, else am not going to school anymore!" Every time I go to a new school, or every time a new teacher joins my school, every time I take part in an inter school competition, this is the statement I used to nag Bawa with.

In a country rich with Biju, Shiju, Shyju, Byju and Sindhu, Bindhu, Sudha, my name sounded like an opera in 'Utsava Parambu'! No one missed to say "What?", "Come again", "Err, what's it", "Lebanon?" together with expressions inexpressible with words. I still remember a granny who went brooding "vaayil kollatha oro peru idum" (in simple English it means "new generation, duh!")

I nagged my Dad to this extent that once he almost got the papers ready to change my name in the Gazette.

 It was in the year 1996, I believe, we decided on the name 'Aneesha' (thinking back, I find it too odd a name for me!), and that is when my Big Brother (Dad's Bro's Son) enters the scene. (some background information: He is the one who tagged me with the name 'Lubuna', and where he got the name from is still a mystery..). When Bawa told him about the issue, he stared at me and then at Bawa, at me and Bawa, at Bawa and me; finally he said, "you don’t know the value of your name, one day you will think about me and thank me for choosing this name for you!"

Years sped by, as the clock turned to the marital phase the circumstances blessed me with a new name "Liya"! I love this name, it has the essence of "Lubuna" and "Kuttu" in it, together with a charm of its own.

Today, sitting at my hazy office in Qatar, am thinking of you Big Bro and thanking you.

Whenever I introduce myself as 'Lubuna' here in Qatar I am greeted back with sincere, innocent smiles exclaiming "Lubuna?! Masha Allah", followed by squeaks and cheers praising THE NAME!

Thank you Big Bro! I love you! 

The 'Write' Mode!

Statutory warning: This post has the least bit of essence in it, so please be obliged to take this statement of mine as an anticipatory bail…

 Not a realization, but a hard reality.

I stopped writing, to be correctly put - I lost the writer instincts.

Livelier were those days when I jotted down every single happening of the day to my hefty diary. Livelier were those days when I scribbled 'Haikus' in my text book, lab observation, mummy's grocery list and her well cherished telephone diary. To be most humbly put, those were results of my creative bend and I did manage to get a fan-club for myself, with Bawa the President and Sissy as the ' rude critic'.

Often taunted as 'Bhuji' in the family get-togethers, I never felt the outside world getting on my head. I was in a world of my own. For them I was the Surrayya of the family. When all other girls covered their heads with colorful hijabs, I just walked around swinging my two-plaits. When all other girls opted for the backdoor entrance, I always loved to lie on my grandpa's recliner in the verandah. No one tried to correct me, because for them that is how they wanted me to be.

When I opted for Journalism from Physics, Bawa was the happiest and Mummy didn’t show the least sign of surprise. But Sissy said, "are you crazy? You will lose your complexion wandering out in the sun"! That is my Sissy – the beauty conscious one, always spotted with the smell of gram flour...

I should say that I had the best teachers ever in Mass Communication. They understood what my essence is, and they directed me right there. When I started working right in the first year of my post-graduation, I moved around heads high… I wrote, wrote and wrote. The thrill of journalism enveloped me and I loved every single bit of it. Change of location demanded change of profession, and forced me to write for the World Weird Web. It was all a play with jargons, however it can be agreed that there was a creative finishing to that work.

Enter wedlock, and I had to push the bundle of books away! May be it is because of the changing lifestyle, changing phases or the changing perceptions (hmm). I was more used to the 'leave-me-alone' mode, and people at home knew how much that means to me. There were times I remained in my room for the whole day, going through books I have read for umpteen times. Reading was into my blood! But the Mrs version hardly had the time to get the hands on books. Guest visits, 'daugher-in-law' responsibilities, kitchen panics (will they like this style?!), and a lot of similar things kept me away from the world of words for an year.

And the sad truth is that, the new version got on me and I started loving to stay away from books. Earlier, I used to 'post-mortem' each sentence, but now am more into shuffling the papers. It is not that I don’t have time, I do have lots of it these days, but don’t know what, there is some kind of inhibition. Mind and brain remains buzzing even hours after work, not to mention the 'you-have-more-to-do' attacks!

What is cluttering in my mind? Is it the least satisfaction at work? But as CC (my best buddy in Qatar) said, there is no point in  brooding over what situation you are in now and wasting your time, just move. There are so many ventures lying around you, you cannot see them just because you don’t have the right keys. He is right, it is high time I should move on.

As the Anonymous said 'Beware of the man of one book'.

- Positive-thinkingly yours

Changing perceptions!

 

A bit of flashback!

Location: Ernakulam Kavita Theater

Movie: Aakasa Doothu

Year: 1993 (!)

Ambiance: Noisy, post-show crowd, rush, honkings

Mommy and Sissy with swollen eyes. The hanky in mommy's hand is soaked as if in a downpour, sissy is still sniffing, big bro looks like he is mourning, and bawa (moi dad) lost in thoughts – I have seen this expression on his face, only in the month ends, when analyzing the monthly sales reports! And Me, all excited about the journey back to Fort Kochi by boat! "Bawa, we are going by boat neh? I want the side-seat!"!

No one else seem to share my excitement, making me go quizzical and wondering what is really wrong! A look around brought me the realization that it is not only my family which is affected. Everyone who got from the theatre looks as if they have lost a dear one in some natural disaster!

I started nagging Bawa and Mommy about the side-seat again, finally dad asked me "Kuttu, don’t you feel even a bit of sorrow or didn’t you even shed a tear seeing the situation of that lady in the movie?"$%$%$%%$$%$%^%

And I retorted! "They are getting paid for their acting, and why the hell you get a migraine for yourself crying throughout the movie?"! AND there I made yet another dialogue for my dad to record and replay it for umpteen number of times in the future!

Flashback ends

Location: Qatar

Movie: Aakasa Doothu

Year: 2010

Ambiance: Hum of the air-conditioner, silence, silence and more of it!

There I am! Crouching on the sofa and weeping to glory.

I don’t know whether it is changing lives, changing destinations or the changing attitudes, but the Kuttu, as known to my bawa, has changed. The girl who laughed at the senti-scenes in the movies, now started weeping and sniffing even at the slightest hint of tragedy!

This reminded me of the sermon by the priest last week. "You are not human, if you don’t shed tears seeing the pain of others." "You are not human, if you don’t take the sorrow of others as yours."

Does that mean the younger Kuttu was inhuman? Or can I call her more logically oriented or just practical?!

~~~~wondering~~~~~

When I met the angels…

The day started like any other day, with me sulking at the alarm, rummaging the refrigerator for breakfast cereals and staring at my wardrobe and sighing "I don’t have enough"!

At office none was there to greet me except the monotonous-boring-recorded 'thank you' from the punching machine. As always, I am the first to reach. Newspapers are getting bored by the day, gave them a quick glance and called JK, just to nag – I know when I replaced the receiver, he was fuming at the other side. For asking him to "call the real estate dealer ASAP". It seems he has work, I too have and I am working too! Hmm…. No comments on it.

First assignment is at 10 am, went upstairs and placed a request (read:begged) to the representative from the Arabic team to give me a ride to the venue. I hate this. Still, I will have to stick to this beg-n-go strategy till I get a car, no! the driving license!

When we reached the venue, the only thing I had in my mind was – 'yuck, yet another boring assignment'. The Arabic guy fled the venue saying 'hey, guess they are not gonna talk in Arabic, you be here and just give me a ring when your part is done." How sweet! Love ya buddy!

I was the first one to reach there and they took me to a conference room and left, leaving me alone. It is 5 minutes, 10 minutes and no sign of others. Moreover, the streaks of innocent laughter from the room nearby is giving the temptation to get up and check out what it is all about..

I got up, approached the door, knocked… silence…. Knocked again… silence.. knocked again… "YES" came a voice.

I entered the room… and my eyes could hardly believe what it is witnessing! Looking at me were nearly 50 angels, dressed in white and all smiling. One of them came forward and graciously took me to the chair in the middle of the room and made me sit. I stared at them, not knowing what is happening around me, not able to understand how I reached heaven straight from this desert box!

"Teacher, I like your bag," said one of the angels pointing at my brilliant violet tote bag. Did the angel say teacher??? Slowly things came to in focus and I saw the shades of alphabets, I saw the schoolbags, and yes I saw the students! But no ordinary school this. Nowhere can you find such innocence and I felt a rush of joy within me, said a silent thanks to Lord for taking me to where I am now.

Moments that followed where something I love to cherish in my memories…. I laughed with them, played with them, finally when the organizers called me for the conference; I said a half-hearted bye and promised them 'will be back soon' and left.

The above state of trance happened at the center for children with special needs here. It is a school (no! heaven) for children with Down Syndrome – the disorder caused by one extra chromosome! People with this disorder exhibit lower than average cognitive ability and sometimes severe or profound mental disability.

But the innocent smile on their faces, the innocent way of their behavior, and the innocent way they hugged me when I said 'bye', is something you cannot expect from a non-disabled children (one of the mother recommended that one should not use 'normal' to refer children without disabilities – "my child is not abnormal, so no one can make a 'normal'-'abnormal' comparison".

She is right, these kids are not abnormal, they are angels from heaven, who are on earth, just because they don’t have wings!  

Changing phases

Work-pressure is at its peak and with weeks of constant writing am running out of words. Do I look like a squeezed up toothpaste tube? I feel like one! All I can remember are the words dazzling, exquisite, scintillating… grr damn the Doha Jewellery and Watches expo! And how thankful I am that it happens only once a year!

Sitting alone at the office, and staring at the monitor, sometimes at the ceiling, and musing about the bygone days is something I am in love with now. Not that I am not having the best slice of my life, but days back home, back in INDIA, were something I love to cherish in the little corner of my mind. It is not the school and college days am talking about, but the life after that – the corporate version of Lubuna. I love responsibilities and I know that's a killer passion when it comes to the corporate world. Still, I love to be on the top, being responsible for what is done, what is to be done, and what is going on. ON CALL always! I dread it, and my colleagues tried my best to convince that it is not gonna do any good to me, but in vain.

PHASE 1

Things took a different tone when I moved to Cochin – to the Cochin Special Economic Zone. Work at the Zone sucked big time and now I realize why I hated it. Confrontation with high-end ON CALL junkies. Realizations struck how bad it is to be one. Changed myself and moved onto the world of the World Wide Web.

Be it work, party, treats or fights, I was at my best! Having a bunch of cheery people makes you one. Moreover, I was totally worry-free. The only things I had in my list of priority were work and fun, and I enjoyed it in tonnes! Should say the chunky-hefty digital cam I had helped me a lot. Because, it helped me capture the fun live and today when I go through those clicks, I can feel like a smile slowly appearing on my face.

PHASE 2

Good-bye to Cochin! I didn’t hear the 'slam', of the book of Happy-Days of my life closing. I didn’t realize that what I am leaving behind is something priceless. I didn’t realize that I won't be able to go back to those days, never again.

Enter the phase of lifelessness or should I call it the stage of Passiveness??? I never knew what am I going through. When everyone else gave me a look of "she is gone nuts", I just remained passive, shutting my ears to even my own thoughts. Whenever I was alone I made it a point not to think about what I am going through, because somewhere in my sub-conscious mind I knew that I will lose all my strength if I mull over it. Parents, friends, relatives – everyone put me in the so called glass-globe and played audience. I did survive the situation – I did come out the best actress. Yeah, using best actress here goes well with the theme – because, I smiled, even I was breaking into pieces within.

PHASE 3

Goodbye to spinsterhood!

It was a moment of pride. When I came out the cathedral after the nuptial, holding the hands of 'My Man', I felt to be the 'luckiest' girl in the world! And I knew all I went through in Phase 2 was just for this – for this happiness!

PHASE 4

Speechless, wordless to write anything about is. All I can is smile :-)